Tuesday, April 09, 2013

Soul sisters

After Davis was born, Amanda wrote a post about how his arrival affected her, seeing as she was in the throes of infertility at the time. I honestly think our loved ones were equal parts excited about his arrival and nervous about how the whole experience would go for her, considering how close she and I are. Throughout my entire pregnancy with him and in the days after he was born, I never felt like I could fully celebrate because I was so distracted with worry for her, wanting so badly for her to be experiencing motherhood with me.

I'm going to be honest: when she found out she was pregnant just a week before I miscarried, I hated that I was so full of sadness and jealousy - despite the fact that I knew she deserved that pregnancy more than anyone in the world - that I felt like I couldn't fully celebrate with her. What a role reversal, right? And it wasn't lost on me that she would be delivering her babies so soon after I should have been delivering my baby... I felt like we were getting robbed of our chance to be pregnant together, and I couldn't help but fret about how hard it would be to watch her experience everything along the same timeline I should have been. The seeming unfairness of it all was physically painful at times.

All that being said, over the past several months I had looked to the approaching arrival of her delivery date with a mix of excitement and sadness. As she put it in her post, having your mirror image experience the thing you want the most while you're sitting on the sidelines can be tough, regardless of how happy you are for them. And though our respective situations are very different, I was still selfishly a little worried that her big day might be tinged with unhappiness for me.

Thankfully I'm here today to tell you that wasn't the case at all. Turns out when you spend months and eventually years praying with and hurting for someone who is literally your other half, you really can be so overwhelmed with happiness and joy for them when their prayers are answered that the temptation to go down the road of self-pity in the midst of it can sometimes just be erased. While I desperately wish I was holding my own newborn baby in my arms, I am so grateful I was able to be there to welcome hers into the world and hold them in my arms after all this time! My heart is full for them, and I thank God for allowing me to feel that way...


8 comments:

Aubrey said...

I love this. Beautiful post!

Brittnie said...

Very well written and such a beautiful perspective.

Natasha said...

This is a beautiful post and I'm so glad you were overwhelmed with joy for, and with, Amanda. I'm still praying that you will be overwhelmed with joy for your own baby so very soon.

Erika said...

This is great. So glad that you were able to celebrate with Amanda, and she with you!

Party of Three Heads said...

Loved this.. and soo true. Glad you could enjoy your weekend with them!

Jennie said...

Such beautiful thoughts and perspective!

The Joiners said...

Sweet post, sis, and (obviously) I can relate... thank you for not just being happy for us after C&C arrived, but for helping us get ready for them and being happy for us during the pregnancy when I know it wasn't always easy!

Amber Massey said...

This is so sweet. I love the honesty between you two.. I can only hope my twin babies will have that same bond!