Looking back & looking forward

Like most people, I have a lot of pictures saved on my phone. Unlike most people, I try to regularly upload them to my computer, and then I go back into my phone and delete the ones that aren't my favorites. There is one favorite in particular that stays on there and I like to go back and look at often:

I took it one hot August morning when I was filling my car up with gas and Davis was waiting patiently for me in the backseat. His face was dirty with crumbs from the cookies my mom had fed him earlier in the day, but he was happy - you could see it in his precious smile and his sparkling, big, blue eyes.

I was happy, too. Just that morning, Wade and I had gone to the doctor to see our baby's heartbeat. We had arrived at the appointment very unsure of how it would go, so you can imagine the relief we felt when we saw the flashing heartbeat on the screen. I was hesitant to accept that everything was ok, but the doctor assured us that our chances of miscarrying after that point were less than 10%. The odds were majorly in our favor, right?

After the appointment, Wade headed to work and I went back home to relieve my mom of her babysitting duties and share the good news with her. Wade and I had decided we would meet back up for lunch a little bit later to celebrate, and this picture was taken en route to meet up with him. When we got to lunch, I boldly ordered a large meal, which I promptly threw up in the parking lot afterwards. No one likes throwing up, but those days, the constant nausea that accompanied me was the best feeling in the world. It was a tangible reminder that everything was going to be ok.

That was the last day I remember really feeling happy and hopeful about the future. The very next morning, the nurse had called to let me know my doctor had reviewed the ultrasound that the other doctor had performed, and she was concerned with how low the heart rate was. I remained crippled with anxiety over the well-being of our baby for 2 weeks, until that awful appointment where my biggest fear came true: we had fallen sadly into that "less than 10%" category. Life has never been the same since.

I love the picture above because I think our little guy looks especially adorable, but I also hang onto it because it gives me hope that one day I'll get that sparkle back in my own eyes... hope that one day we'll have another reason to meet up for lunch to celebrate a healthy heartbeat, and again I'll foolishly order a big meal just to throw it up in the parking lot... hope that "one day" will be here sooner rather than later.