As usual, I am feeling super insecure about posting this, but I'm going to do it anyway. I email back and forth often with a dear friend who miscarried not long before I did, and one of the fears we have expressed to each other multiple times in those emails is that when we talk about our miscarriages to others, the people listening are thinking, "Still? You are still dealing with this and talking about this?" Doesn't matter if it's rational or not; the fear is there. So no matter how many times thoughtful friends assure me that they are available to talk anytime, no matter how many times my blog readers assure me that they don't mind reading about it, I am always overwhelmed with worry that this is what they are actually thinking in their heads. Thus the hesitation.
But what else am I supposed to talk about today when the only thing on my mind is why? Why did my baby have to be taken from me? Why am I not pregnant again yet? Where is God in all of this? And how can I tell you about the mundane details of my weekend, when the few activities we did were actually just insignificant distractions between fits of laying curled up in my bed, trying to catch my breath and trying to make sense of everything?
I know, it sounds dramatic, but it's my reality right now. Yes, I have so much to be grateful for, so many reasons to be thankful, and overall I have a wonderful life; those things are not lost on me. But I am still sad. There is a hole in my heart that those other things cannot fill.
So today I just have to dust myself off and move forward, trusting that God has got this and He will see me through it. A sweet friend sent me the most perfect song yesterday to remind me of that truth, and I will be playing it on repeat this week so I don't forget.