Monday, December 03, 2012

This is hard

The past few days have been really hard for me. The kind of hard that leaves your eyes in a constant state of puffiness, your head pounding from all the sniffling, your pillow stained from the tears.

As usual, I am feeling super insecure about posting this, but I'm going to do it anyway. I email back and forth often with a dear friend who miscarried not long before I did, and one of the fears we have expressed to each other multiple times in those emails is that when we talk about our miscarriages to others, the people listening are thinking, "Still? You are still dealing with this and talking about this?" Doesn't matter if it's rational or not; the fear is there. So no matter how many times thoughtful friends assure me that they are available to talk anytime, no matter how many times my blog readers assure me that they don't mind reading about it, I am always overwhelmed with worry that this is what they are actually thinking in their heads. Thus the hesitation.

But what else am I supposed to talk about today when the only thing on my mind is why? Why did my baby have to be taken from me? Why am I not pregnant again yet? Where is God in all of this? And how can I tell you about the mundane details of my weekend, when the few activities we did were actually just insignificant distractions between fits of laying curled up in my bed, trying to catch my breath and trying to make sense of everything?

I know, it sounds dramatic, but it's my reality right now. Yes, I have so much to be grateful for, so many reasons to be thankful, and overall I have a wonderful life; those things are not lost on me. But I am still sad. There is a hole in my heart that those other things cannot fill.

So today I just have to dust myself off and move forward, trusting that God has got this and He will see me through it. A sweet friend sent me the most perfect song yesterday to remind me of that truth, and I will be playing it on repeat this week so I don't forget. 


15 comments:

Brittnie said...

Grief and healing take time. Sometimes a lot of time. And that is ok. Keep rolling with your emotions and letting yourself grieve, and talk, and blog. God will meet you there. This waiting period sucks, big time, but I promise God will show His faithfulness.

The Joiners said...

Ditto to what Brittnie said... LYLAS.

Erika said...

Love you, friend. The holidays can definitely heighten your sense of loss and sadness, and you have a very real loss to grieve this year. Don't worry about what other people are thinking (although I suspect no one's judging you quite as harshly as you suspect)...take care of yourself. We love you.

Catherine said...

I don't think anyone can tell you how to feel much less how not to feel. Everyone grieves differently. I know that the holidays are a difficult time of year for most who have experienced a loss. I enjoy reading your thoughts because they are very similar to mine. God is always with you and I pray he puts his hand on your aching heart.

Susan said...

Your grief is personal, your own, so it's only fair you allow yourself time to work through it. You cannot put a time frame on grief, all you can do is ride the waves. Some days will be harder than others...the ups and downs will be exhausting! This is your story...we are here to read about it...please let us help you through your journey.

Courtney Squillante said...

Sorry you are down :(

Marcia said...

So sorry that your weekend was sad, Allison. We thank God for you, for your wonderful friends that offer you such encouragement, and for the beautiful music you have found to help you heal. Hope you feel better today.
Love, Marcia/Nana

Merrie said...

You just keep on feeling what you need to be feeling. There is no clock and there is no right or wrong timing. It's a day by day process and I have no doubt it's different for everyone. I'll keep you in prayer, fellow blogger. <3

Ashley said...

Hang in there. It's OK to feel sad. Give yourself some grace.

Amanda Greavu said...

I know you know this, but we're still here, we're still listening, and we still care. The holidays seem to make everything more intense! I'm sorry you're still suffering. Hang in there and love on your little one. Things will get better.

Brittany Sciba said...

I'm sorry that you're feeling sad. :( Still praying for you! Hugs!

Risa said...

Praying for you, friend!! I pray you find rest in His hope and peace, especially during this Christmas season!!

Unknown said...

Your family is in my thoughts and prayers this season.
I don't think I've told you this but I have never heard someone share the raw sadness and heartbreak of miscarriage the way you are. Your posts have helped me to be a better listener and support system for other friends. I hate that you have this to
share, but thank you for doing it.
-Jaclyn W.

The Bird said...

I am sorry that you are "still" struggling...I think most people who have been through what you have would be, too, though. I bet a big part of it is that people don't know what to do or say so they either 1. don't acknowledge the pain you are going through or 2. say something stupid thinking that they are being helpful. Praying for you, Allison! You have the right to feel however you need to without worrying about how others will interpret it!

Natasha said...

Allison -- you are still in my thoughts and prayers. A few of us at a playgroup were talking about miscarriages yesterday and we all agreed that even if we've had a baby since, there are still days we think about the baby we lost and how hard some days are. As others have said, there is no time limit on grief and we are here for you.